Understanding Love :.
( Thursday, July 20, 2006 )
“Romantic love” is a lie our parents told us in our moments of loneliness to turn our insides into drooling vats of endorphinized mush with the idea that someone special is just waiting to meet us.
But where is this elusive soul-mate? Probably, not around you. Don't assume for a nanosecond that out of 6 billion people, your soul-mate must be living on the other side of the planet. I am sure you have imagined him or her shouting obscenities in a foreign language while kicking a cow. You may also have had the thought that since souls are immortal, maybe your soul-mate has already come and gone from this earth centuries ago! No problem, dude. Soul-mates are just a myth, anyway.
Find the closest, genetically-correct person you can get along with and fool yourself into believing they are your soul-mate. It's as easy as flipping channels on the television. Good thing we learned that habit at a young age, huh?
First Settle Down With Someone Simple That You Can Manipulate. Choose someone young, naive, inexperienced, or just plain dumb -- it will be to your advantage to pair yourself up with someone who is not able to think way up on your level. People who are safe, harmless, and boring are easy to control.
They will go along with anything you plan and surrender to your every whim.
You will be able to dish out an endless variety of unfathomable demands and they will not even bother to question you. He / she will look up to you and be thankful that you are so great and still willing to give of yourself. You'll be able to do things behind his / her back and he / she won't mind a bit. This phenomenon is what can be called, "Finally Finding A Good Person." It sure is relaxing to be able to lower your defenses, isn't it?
It is important that you find someone who does not take life all that seriously. Remember, that when you are not engaging in extremely pleasurable and fulfilling sex, you will find that there is little else to do with your partner besides routine chores. Escape from the resulting boredom of your limited interest in each other's souls / minds and indulge in something meaningless like gossip, board games, recreational drugs or senselessly pop culture and video games.
Very good. Now then: Regardless of what you may have been taught, life is about owning a house and paying bills. Find someone with a plentiful cash-flow so that you can start building a small empire. It's a hell of a lot easier if you have a partner. Go out together and purchase new cars, shop for a collection of expensive clothes, apply for as many credit cards as possible, and invest in several "pet" and "child" life-forms that will tie you both down so you can't stray too far from your routine.
Implement deeply-consequential long-range plans in your mid-20's that show you have learned everything you need to know to contribute to your own Microcosmic Construct of Temporary Western Civilization. You will look back on your life when you are 65 and be glad that all you cared about was buying lots of expensive stuff and appearing as the epitome of nebulous success -- as opposed to spending your money on doing exciting things that were spiritually meaningful to you.
Who wants to understand the true meaning of life when you could be attaining astonishing levels of spiritual enlightenment with The DaVinci Code and Bastardized Yoga For Sugar Free People?
You will be just fine, if you Always Think Of Your Partner As A Tool To Accomplish Other Things and Your Relationship As A Business.
Heavily remixed from a text of Sir M. Mulch, and inspired by Katerina Kolosova (a friends ex).